Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Free For The Taking

This week's writing prompt:  "I don't know if you've ever seen the eBay or Craig's List ads by people selling things from someone with whom they've had a big argument or a breakup. But they can be hilarious.
We want you to imagine you've just had a fight with a friend, a co-worker, husband, significant other, child - you get the picture. You're mad. It's time for revenge. What would you sell?"

Free Items!
The first person who shows up to collect them:
  • About 100 grimy, slobbery tennis balls (I threw my arm out on this years ago and just can't take the pain anymore)
  • 1 used "Dog-gloo" dog house (I am no longer tough enough to drag her out of there when I have to take her someplace.)
  • 1 used, hairy, barfed-on dog bed. (Which explains why she's not allowed in the house.)
  • 1 blue dog. She's old and obedient, but entirely too smart. I want to be the dominant female around here for a change. Do you want a dog who will chase a tennis ball until one of you drops? Who will pee all over you when you try to put her in a vehicle? Who I am absolutely SURE can count? She never runs away, throws up several times a day (and always has), and bends her mighty will to your wishes on the rare occasion she feels like doing so. She doesn't eat too much, doesn't chew things up, but she does eat bird seed from under the feeder, which might be the reason why she doesn't seem to eat too much or chew. She also doesn't "sit" or "lay down", not because she doesn't know the command, but because she doesn't think I have the right to tell her what to do. Do you want a dog who doesn't bark at things unless they need barked at, but does occasionally howl in the most hair-raising, unearthly kind of way? She doesn't dig in the trash, and she doesn't poop where she shouldn't (usually), but she does barf just anywhere. She has the most amazing talent: she is able to barf more than she has eaten. I doubt it will win you any television appearences, but it might win you a bar bet.
If you want this blue, furry bundle of contradictions and all her accoutrements, please call 1-TAKE-MY-DOG

OF COURSE this is fiction...sort of. That really is my dog and I didn't even exaggerate. She really is a blue barf machine, but you can't have her because I am not willing to abdicate my crown as "Dominant Female" after having struggled so long and hard to win it....
and I actually do love her. I can't explain it.

Always, feel free to comment! Trish in AZ

21 comments:

  1. I would love to know how you know she can count!

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  2. LOL...we first thought so when we had a flock of chickens. We would tell her to "put 'em away" and she would round them up and put them in the chicken yard. Then she would stand back and look at them for a few seconds. If one was missing, she'd go look for it. I thought at first that she recognized individual chickens. But now I'm sure she can really count because after her morning walk, the sweet hubs gives her 6 of these little chewy treats. She sets the first five down and waits expectantly for #6...only eating them after she has all 6. That dog is too smart for her own good!

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  3. I have a little Cavalier King Charles Spaniel that will only pee/poop on pavement. You can throw him in as a "gift with purchase."

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  4. Do you have to take him to the garage instead of for a walk? LOL!
    Hey! That reminds me! She absolutely will not "do her business" when she's on the leash. So I never have to carry a plastic baggy to pick up little piles of hot poop. Do you think that information would sweeten the deal?

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  5. Your dog almost sounds more like a cat.. especially when you say she feels you have no right to tell her what to do. Too funny!

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  6. What an interesting dog! I don't think I could handle all the throw-up; I mean I already complaining about cleaning after my kids

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  7. Aw, poor puppy!

    I understand what you mean. An animal like this will drive you crazy, but that doesn't make us love them any less!

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  8. Poor dog owner! Pets are so hard. We just have cats but they drive me crazy when they puke all over the house. I'd get rid of them but there are certain little people in the house that would never forgive me if I did!

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  9. What's with the barfing? My dogs barf because there's nothing they won't eat - legos, trash, diapers.. Ick.

    Also, please consider turning off your word verification on comments. it will definitely help you get more comments! ;)

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  10. Cheryl, thanks for letting me know I had left my word verification on...it's off now!

    And what IS with the barfing? Do other dogs barf from just from drinking water? Honestly, this is the barfingest dog I've ever seen. (I like that word....I think I'll use it more often!) LOL

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  11. I am so glad you regained your dominate female status! It's hard to fight for your rightful place....

    And while I AM a dog lover, I have my hands full with mine so I will pass on your ad.

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  12. Yeah, I'm out. Got 3 horking cats and while the thought of terrorizing them w/ a dog entertains me to no end, I have no desire to clean that shit up.

    And you never know what people will do to win a bar bet!

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  13. Ha! A blue dog? I wish you had posted a photo of this dog. It would have been perfect for a for sale ad. Maybe she barfs cause she's eating those seeds.

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  14. I'll clean up after your dog, if you will clean up after my husband!

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  15. I added a picture, though it makes her look less blue than she is. I'm sorry to say she's been barfing since before we had a bird feeder.

    Sandi: does your husband barf a lot and shed, too? We could talk. LOL.

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  16. "She also doesn't "sit" or "lay down", not because she doesn't know the command, but because she doesn't think I have the right to tell her what to do. " Truly cracked me up.

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  17. Thank you for helping me see that my instinct to not get a dog is the correct one. :)

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  18. Isn't it funny how much we can love our pets even though they can be total PIA? (Spoken by a dog owner who has had one too many pieces of furniture chewed.)

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  19. i know how it is to not be able to quite explain why you love a pet like yours :) sweet dog, look at her!!

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  20. Yep, every single dog I've ever owned has been..."special"...and dearly loved. Pets just have that way about them, don't they?

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  21. and this is why I don't have a dog! but she is cute. I mean...look at that face!

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